Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Love Happens

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Please. Stop. Stop it. Stop it now! I want to shake you! In a loving big-sisterly way (because I’m like twice your size). JEN FREAKING GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! I’m looking at your imdb page right now, and I have to tell you babe, I’m concerned. It looks to me that you may have accidentally been making THE SAME MOVIE over and over again! I know you found your niche and I know that it’s making you money but I really do see potential for you to be better than this! I looooooved you in Friends! You’re a fantastic comedienne, I legitimately think you have the capacity for breadth. I’m just not seeing it right now.

Now, don’t get me wrong this isn’t a Jen pity party. I don’t feel bad for you. You’ve had an awesome life and an awesome career. We won’t talk about the whole Brad thing, which was shitty. If in the future you get trashed at an Oscar party and smack him across the face in the bathroom line nobody will blame you! In fact, women everywhere will probably applaud, but that’s YOUR DECISION. I’m just telling you we’d be ok with it.

As for “Love Happens” you had me until the part of the trailer where you say “isn’t it fun not knowing?” is that literally a line from “Along Came Polly?” Did you think we wouldn’t notice?

It’s time to get real.

So I’m looking at your imdb movies that are in production and I have a couple of questions. First of all you have SEVEN movies in development. You know what other kinds of movies get made with this speed? Porn. Think about it.

Some of these titles are terrifying me “The Baster,” “Pumas.” I’m getting all worked up. Seriously, my palms are sweaty.

“The Baster” better not be about someone getting pregnant from a turkey baster. Let me guess, because they’re getting old and crotchety and no man will love them? Do they get pregnant and THEN meet a man? Does the man love them anyway and they end up starting a little family? I hate you a little right now.

IF “PUMAS” IS ABOUT YOUNG-ISH COUGARS I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SURVIVE. There’s just no need for this. You’re not old, btw. You were born in 1969, so were Gwen Stefani and Paul Rudd! Neither of them are spinsters.

The only glimmer of hope is “The Goree Girls” “A 1940s-set musical centered around a group of incarcerated female country-and-western performers” hahahaha. This is your “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” isn’t it? I look forward to watching this every day on TBS in about 3 years. (Real quick did you know George’s middle name is Timothy? You might have talked about it when he was on Friends but still, it’s weird sort of right?)

So back to “Love Happens.” Did you and Aaron have time to chat during the making of this movie? Did he try to run an intervention? You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was his community service for the year to do this film with you. Maybe he slipped notes in your pocket that said stuff like “try drama!” and “perchance a period piece?” I’m sure he’s a nice guy… is he married? Maybe you should call him.

I’ll probably rent this, and as long as it doesn’t have a scene as painful as the Indian food scene from “Along Came Polly,” I might actually like it. I just think that as a culture we’d be remiss if we didn’t see you in something different. TAKE A CHANCE. I think we’d be impressed.

Call me if you want to talk about this.

Yours,

H. Klein