Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: Going the Distance

I could go down this familiar path. Writing an “open letter” saying stuff like… Drew… please please stop making shitty rom coms. Stop hurting yourself, stop hurting US. I get that it would be fun to work with your boyfriend! I really really like my boyfriend and although he’s apprehensive, I’d really like to be his co-worker. Especially if our job was to make out… “oh! I’m supposed to act like I love this guy? I can do that!” Rather than go down that worn worn path, I want to tell you guys a secret.

I LOVE DREW BARRYMORE. I LOVE HER. LOVELOVELOVELOVE! So much love that I actually watched “Never Been Kissed” the other day and did not vomit. If you’ve seen it you know what a commitment that is.

I’m a big sister, that’s like my most important job. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have one of my own. Let’s imagine for a second that Drew is mine.

Me: Hey sis, I’m having a life crisis, per usual. Do you have any big-sisterly advice?

Drew: Hawkes. First of all… that Lash Blast is doing you ALL KINDS of favors! I’m so excited that I was instrumental in inventing mascara!

Me: ME TOO. You’re the best big sister of all freaking time!

Drew: Oh Hawkes, you’re adorable. Yet, classy. Now listen babe, life is hard. You can be born into a famous family and have everything at your disposal, but sister, money does not buy happiness. There are going to be ups and downs. You are going to do something awesome and then maybe have a meltdown, then use that meltdown to improve your acting chops, f around for a few years, make some epic mistakes, and then come through as this as an award winning actress who actually deserves it.

Me: I know I know. I totally appreciate this advice, and I’m totally willing to accept that life is full of bat-shit crazy surprises. I’m sorry for how mad I got at you in 1999. I AM really glad to have you.

Drew: We had a hard run, H, but I love you.

Me: Drew, I also want to tell you how sorry I am about letting you be with Tom Green at all. That was a misjudgment on my part and as your sister I should have done better.

Drew: Oh Hawkes, it’s totally ok. Let’s go in the back yard and glue sequins to all the trees and then sit in their glimmering light and think about the butterfly effect.

Me: Can we eat some bread and drink some wine first?

Drew: OF COURSE we can, because I’m the only normal person left, you’re lucky to have me.

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene]

Drew, you beautiful, beautiful human. You’re too good to waste your time on this crap. Let’s forget about this and start drinking wine and talking in transcontinental accents? seriously? I want to do this with you.

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