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There’s an art and a science in choosing the proper books for your reign on the ivory throne. I’ve met many who don’t respect the science, and a few who are consummate masters at it. It’s a delicate and maddeningly specific art of curating/cultivating the perfect set of books. Uncle John tries to make it easier, and his books are definitely masterpieces, but many of us know that we can’t afford to take the easy way out. We need to erect our own toilet libraries.
Of the many bathrooms I’ve frequented over the years, there is one that’s head-and-shoulders above the rest in fecetiobibliophilia. Fellow PopTen contributor Jamie’s second mom, Mary. I go out of my way to visit Mary’s bathroom, if only to marvel at her new selections. Everything from The Darwin Awards to Famous Old Hollywood Quotes to Pop Philosophy… (help me out here, Jamie).
For those who are proud of their bathroom libraries, please comment- I’m always looking for a few new books.
Here are my top six choices:
1. The Official Nintento Player’s Guide
This book rules the john. As any card-carrying member of the Nintendo Generation will tell you, this is the retro gaming bible. You probably met the book with a clenched fist as a child, because getting this book with your NES means you didn’t get Super Mario Bros. But over the years, as you pore over the Kid Icarus maps, or read about those levels of Castlevania you’ll never reach, it’s become one of the books you’ve read most. The other day I noticed a copy in PopTenner Chris’ bathroom, and realized that he had truly reached Restroom Nirvana. I applaud you, Chris.
2. The Book of Lists
The name says it all. Though you can kick the retro-tip and score the original version, you’ll probably want to get a more recent version, that isn’t obsessed with Twiggy (I swear, she’s in every damn list in this version!) Though I used to have this on my ivory shelf years ago, fellow PopTenner Hawkes Klein reminded me of it with inclusion on her toilet shelf.
3. The 100
Written by some random scientist, and completely based on his opinions, this book is gold. The most influential person in history? Muhammad. Number two? Isaac Newton. Who is obviously more important and influential than the third choice, Jesus. Extra points to the author for arguing that Shakespeare was actually Edward de Vere. (He was. I’ll leave that to a later post, though.)
4. The Assassin’s Cloak
Every day of the year has diary entries from famous writers, thinkers and politicians throughout history. It really deserves to be on everyone’s shelf, or at least toilet. It’s an unparalleled voyeuristic look into the lives of countless luminaries, and the prose can be gorgeous. I love this book.
5. For Beginners Guides
Every toilet deserves at least one For Beginners book. These are comics breaking down ludicrously pretentious topics. If pomo isn’t your thing, try Deconstruction, Derrida, Lacan or Foucault For Beginners. (Okay, maybe pomo *has* to be your thing.) There’s nothing better than coming out of the bathroom and quoting Lacanian theory.
6. Marvel Encyclopedia
I’ll admit it- I’ve always preferred the Marvel Universe to our own. When they develop a better CAT scan, I’ll finally know for certain that a good 75% of my brain is devoted to useless comic trivia. (Like the difference between Golden Age Human Torch and the Fantastic Four’s Human Torch, and the former’s relation to the Avenger’s Vision.) But anyone can benefit from a quick dip into the Marvel canon. The Encyclopedia’s got it all- from Captain America to Aunt May. Every listing has “Essential Reading” which wants to push you to the comic book store, paying thousands for Amazing Stories #15.
PLEASE comment with your own books- I’m always trying to grow my toilet library.
Damn, another genius list idea. This is me NOT responding with a rival top ten list. Sorry about the upper deck with Mario last week… I was just trying to foster healthy, passionate debate about the most important issue of our time.
My best bathroom book ever was Pride and Prejudice. There was just something about sitting on the crapper reading Jane Austen that enhanced the experience of both.
Damn, another genius list idea. This is me NOT responding with a rival top ten list. Sorry about the upper deck with Mario last week… I was just trying to foster healthy, passionate debate about the most important issue of our time.
My best bathroom book ever was Pride and Prejudice. There was just something about sitting on the crapper reading Jane Austen that enhanced the experience of both.
Oh, and First Runner Up (and the only book I’ve ever seen freak you out, Vic, including House of Leaves)… “What’s Your Poo Telling You”, a field guide to 30 different kinds of poop and how you should respond to them. This really brings the dump and the reading together into one magical activity.
I would say there are some very definite don’t rules that people need to abide by.
1. Don’t have Plato/Socrates in your bathroom.
Reason: Unacceptable. I want 2 – 8 minutes of meditation not involved study.
2. No actual books that will have you in there for longer than necessary.
Reason: Weird and habit forming for the individual who keeps them there.
There are more I’m sure, but those come right off the top of my head.
Oh, and First Runner Up (and the only book I’ve ever seen freak you out, Vic, including House of Leaves)… “What’s Your Poo Telling You”, a field guide to 30 different kinds of poop and how you should respond to them. This really brings the dump and the reading together into one magical activity.
I would say there are some very definite don’t rules that people need to abide by.
1. Don’t have Plato/Socrates in your bathroom.
Reason: Unacceptable. I want 2 – 8 minutes of meditation not involved study.
2. No actual books that will have you in there for longer than necessary.
Reason: Weird and habit forming for the individual who keeps them there.
There are more I’m sure, but those come right off the top of my head.
We should aspire to make this the most-commented post on our site.
We should aspire to make this the most-commented post on our site.
You’re that kind of person that reads entire books – what does that mean? – do your read 4 chapters then wipe or do you poo slower?? I don’t want to know the answer to that question, but I just don’t get it.
You’re that kind of person that reads entire books – what does that mean? – do your read 4 chapters then wipe or do you poo slower?? I don’t want to know the answer to that question, but I just don’t get it.
I will answer you without getting into details about the number of squares: I read books, like Pride and Prejudice, that are slightly amusing but are not going to really suck me in. I read them, paragraph by paragraph, over the course of a year or so. Some dumps merit pages, some only a few sentences. You know how it is.
I will answer you without getting into details about the number of squares: I read books, like Pride and Prejudice, that are slightly amusing but are not going to really suck me in. I read them, paragraph by paragraph, over the course of a year or so. Some dumps merit pages, some only a few sentences. You know how it is.
I am Charlotte Simmons. IF you leave it in the bathroom, you’ll be done in a week.
I am Charlotte Simmons. IF you leave it in the bathroom, you’ll be done in a week.