Cocktail Crashers Vol III: Bizarre Insect Sex Rituals

Let’s face it- the average male thinks of sex once every seven seconds (not really) and tries to steer conversations towards sex every third sentence. And what better way to segue from election talk to erection talk than through everyone’s favorite non sequiter: insect copulation?

Some facts about insect sex that will titillate, fascinate and outright revolt:

Cannibal Sex

We all know about female praying mantis’s penchant for a little post-coital snack, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. A ritual that plays out often between praying mantises goes a little something like this. The male approaches the female with those unmistakeable bedroom eyes. The female realizes what’s about to happen, and gestures with a wry smile. She then proceeds to rip his head off and eat it, causing the male to go into spasms which allow his genitalia to better attach to hers. This headlessness also causes him to become a bonafied sex fiend, continuing to copulate even when most of him has been eaten. So praying mantis females often don’t wait to eat their lovers. Who doesn’t love to eat and fornicate simultaneously? It reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where George sneaks the sandwich into the nuptial bed.

(more after the jump)

Ron Jeremy Has Nothing On Stick Insects

Maybe you’ve heard stories of porn stars lasting for hours, or pride yourself on your epic stamina. Well, our hats must go off to the little engine that could… and could… and could… the stick bug. These guys have sex for an average of TEN WEEKS. And why do they do the horizontal mambo for seventy days straight? Because the males don’t want anyone else copulating with their little lady. By continuously knocking boots, they can be decently sure that no one else is simultaneously sexing up their misses. Obviously an insect that doesn’t think much of threesomes.

And You Thought Construction Worker Catcalls Were Bad…

Back in high school I used to work in a psychopharmacology lab, and I remember one of the female higher-ups once told me a pretty disturbing story. Every time she walked into the monkey room, nearly every male monkey would jump to the front of their cage, shake the bars with their tiny monkey fists, and proceed to masturbate vigorously… to its logical conclusion.

Researching this post, I find that they’re not the only animals who think public wanking will score them the girl. Male marine iguanas, the younger the randier, tend to masturbate every time a female marine iguana passes them. They justify it because they’re training themselves to ejaculate faster, to give them a better chance of performing a slam dunk before another iguana pushes them away from the basket.

Orangutans actually craft sex toys from sticks and leaves. One female chimp raised in captivity was once caught masturbating to Playgirl magazine.

Apologies for straying from the topic of insects. The story had to be told. And on to our last tawdry entomological tale.

Not For the Squeamish: WTF is Wrong with you, Mites?!

Acarophenax mahunkai- possibly the most morally depraved sex offender out there. These little mites have a hell of a day job. Female mites sneak onto the undersides of mealworm beetles, a microscopic crouching tiger, hidden dragon. When the beetle lays her eggs, the mite cannonballs into the mess of them and sucks one into her belly. When she sucks in the egg, she balloons until she’s twenty times her usual size (think Violet from Willy Wonka). Her kids, somewhere around fifty of them, then develop inside her and proceed to engage in carnal, incestual sexcapades… until she bursts. The female babies then jump out and look for mealworm beetles, while the males are left to rot inside their mother’s corpse.

And with that final bedtime story… have a merry weekend recounting these tales over punchbowls and Pellegrino.

[Shout out to the fantastic book where I found these- Dr.Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation, by Olivia Judson – buy it here.]