TopTen Days: Obnoxious Noises

As I’m writing this, I am constantly reminded of the purpose of this note through the perpetuating realm of intolerable vibrating wavelengths rattling my eardrums and disgusting my thought process. Would somebody please turn that FCUKING car alarm off!?!?! [I pardon my aggressive writing in advance, but it’s the only way to illustrate my intentions]

This brings me to my list of top ten most excruciating, time altering sonances.

10. The ‘Effective’ Car Alarm:

Car alarms around the world rattle the eardrums of innocent bystanders by the minute. These so called deterrents should stop a thief from stealing a car, but as we all know they clearly don’t. Presumably this noise was intentionally made to be vexatious, but the mere fact that flies don’t steal cars yet manage to set off these alarms, is truly bothersome. Noting that car alarms tend to be more sensitive than automatic toilets, human kind has grown to discount the terrible abominations screaming from those fine whips. So how are they supposed to be effective again? Oh right, they’re really fcuking annoying!

9. Upward Inflections of the Downward Conversationalist:

I’m sure a lot of you civil beings are well aware that most (English) sentences begin with a capital letter and end with a period; meaning a fall in the last word enunciated. Unless there is a question mark, in which case the last word has a mild boomerang effect, this would be the case. Unfortunately, in the free world, there are certain people that enjoy continuous upward inflections at the end of every sentence. This is rather agonizing on the ears and also slightly on the logical mind. I don’t know where this sense of ditziness developed from, but it needs to stop. I, and I’m sure others, don’t enjoy having to ‘answer’ every sentence. It really just doesn’t make sense, well, I guess it does: ditz. Next…

8. Mind Dribbling Sniffling:

Although I have many a times contributed to this skin twitching tonal distribution, I can’t deny that it often irks me. The worst time for this would be in an office of some sort (doctor’s for example) or in any really quiet place where the pulsating sound of mucus defying gravity echoes throughout the canals of one’s aural cavity, causing mild convulsions. Tissue man; go to the bathroom and pop some blood vessels or cork your nose with the penny paper. Whatever you do, stop the drainage!

7. Lobe Burning Fire Alarms:

It’s clear that this has a very similar effect as the car alarm, but somehow this always tends to be so much more piercing. It’s kind of like swallowing knives through one’s ears. And I’ve experienced my share of fire alarms, let me tell you. Believe it or not there are dozens of different screeches amongst the mix. The worst was at my college, aptly placed in my room. Even better still is that the fire alarm was usually set off around 4…in the morning, by some drunk delinquent enjoying his clever devilry. Waking up with razors in my ear was not something I enjoyed, not to mention that the clamorous bitch of an alarm managed to infiltrate my consciousness even after it ceased to resonate. Fat people sue McDonalds, but deaf people don’t sue fire alarm companies? Although, I must admit, the effectiveness of fire alarms are much more ingenious than the car’s. I sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near that fire sword when it ignites; just keep me at a whisper’s length.

6. Swishing and Sloshing of Open-Mouth Eating:

Luckily this sound almost never reaches an intolerable decibel, but it can still induce vomit. Eating in a fairly quiet room with people that like see-food is on the same level as listening closely to the sounds two morbidly obese people make during sex. Actually I cannot attest to knowing what that sounds like, I can only imagine (ehh, nevermind). But realistically, chewing food is cool, it needs to be done. Chewing with one’s mouth open just unleashes a whole slew of gruesome sounds one could find in a poorly funded gore film. If the room is dead silent except for the mouth bandit, the squishing mayonnaise and sucker sucking tones are grotesquely amplified. Just shut it; save another victim of regurgitation.

5. Stop-You-In-Your-Tracks Train Brakes:

This is in particular reference to the debilitating noise erupting from the NYC MTA subways. Us New Yorkers know it all too well. Steel on steel definitely doesn’t make for the best audible candy. I suppose there is nothing they could really do to fix that problem so that’s just another splendor of the train systems here. Convenience has its cost, even if it’s fifty cents more (yet still cheaper than gas). How about hard rubber wheels, tracks and brakes? Rubber on rubber is extremely friction friendly and probably doesn’t shred the ears. Maybe one day, or we could try turning Japanese, turning turning Japanese and go magnetic. All I know is I wish they would stop! (Laugh now)

4. Deconstructive Bone Crushing Construction:

This is also something that could be applied to the underground railway system, but in general, construction noises are just really obnoxious.The combination of yelling, heart-pounding jackhammers and those weird Nascar noises that all together, irritate the soul. I know I know, nothing can be done because construction is a must, but sometimes one just doesn’t want to hear it. Maybe they can encase the construction site in some sweet soundproof barrier.

3. Eardrum Shattering Kitchenware Crashing:

This is by far one of the worst and working in a restaurant was never an easy task for me. I’m not sure which is worse; the horrifying clinking of ceramic plates or the near-deafening sound of thin metal pots and pans slamming and crashing into one another. Either way, when these sounds collide it makes for a most unpleasant intercourse of neck-jolting, ear twitching headaches. It seems that rubber is the answer for everything here….if only we could make heat resistant rubber cookware.

2. Eye Jogging Baby Cries:

Babies are cute; that’s awesome. Babies crying; that’s not so cute. I think we’ve all been in this situation: we’re on the plane getting ready to endure the six hour flight to our vacation destination when the seat belt sign comes on and we buckle in. Then, just as we’re about ready to sooth ourselves into relaxation, wahhhhhhhhhhhhh, a baby cries. I know there is nothing one can really do about this and the baby is so innocent and helpless. None of this matters, because the cry of a baby is one of the most brutal works of agony on the ears. Another example would be in the movies. I don’t know who brings their baby to the movies thinking it’s a) a good idea, or b)going to make any sense to the toddler. In any case, baby cries are definitely worth a high place on the list of most obnoxious noises audible to mankind (I can only imagine how badly it must suck for dogs).

1. The Rude Awakening of Alarm Clocks:

I’ve tried them all, but no matter how soft the melody or jolting the reverberation, they all bring me to a painfully hellish awakening. Waking up is hard enough for me, but being awakened by the highlights of yesterday’s baseball game doused in white noise forces me from me dream world into a seemingly worse nightmare. I have never had more anger towards something than my ‘alarm clock’ (okay maybe a malfunctioning computer during a time of need). Maybe it’s just me, but when I arise from my inert and numb slumber due to the intrusive vibrations of the alarm clock, I want nothing more than to take out my revolver and blow the clock out of time. Even the sweet sounds of Orbital’s “Halycon + On + On” cause my dream world to evaporate in an obscene manner. What’s also annoying about the cause and effect realm of alarm clocks is how they sneak their way into chimeraland right before you wake, causing you to have these often chaotic endings. I’d definitely rather wake to a gentle shove or shake.

This definitely doesn’t conclude my list of demonic dins, but my thoughts on these sounds is making me itch for some beautifully ecstatic guitar solos and synthetic compositions. Leave your annoying sounds, while I tune out to some fresh melodies….