Top Ten Signs Your Love Affair With New York Might Be Waning

10. You can no longer distinguish between small dogs and rats, and have taken to kicking both on the subway platform.

9. You open fire at Coney Island’s Shoot the Freak game, wounding several tiny children.

8. For no apparent reason, you notice a resurgence in your Midwestern accent. A stranger asks if you’re from Canada.

7. You ♥ NY, but you’re not in ♥ with NY.

6. The only person you feel saner than is the crazy old bat in urine-stained sweat pants, sitting in a fold-up chair in traffic, rambling away on a broken Bluetooth.

5. You have a recurring nightmare of grimy hands sliding into yours on the subway pole.

4. You wake up from that nightmare only to realize you’ve been on the G train for six days, moonlighting as a stripper.

3. The side effects of that East River kayaking snafu are beginning to show their ugly face.

2. You cannot enter Times Square without Xanax or a wolverine mask. Preferably both.

1. You take an inkblot test and see Jimmy McMillan’s facial hair in every image.